Expiation
by Extrinsical
Summary: "You're terrible at this, aren't you?" AU Fiction N/F.
1. Prologue

Posted: 08/08/2008  
Per usual, song at LJ.

-o-

_**Expiation**  
Prologue  
__  
_

_"Rather than a life for finalty"__  
- Narcissu, OST.  
_

-o-

Things weren't always that way.

_No. No, they weren't._

She didn't respond.

_But neither of us could remember when things__ changed, could we?_

There was a long pause before burgundy eyes flickered.

No, they couldn't.

The other broke away from their eye contact then, and stared out of the window.

Previously blue sky had turned grey with thunderstorms. Lightning flashed. _Blinded_. Just like her element.

"You're terrible at this, aren't you?" Nanoha finally spoke, pushing the thought to the back of her mind.

Their game of silence had ended.

She acknowledged that, one hand running over rain-slicked blonde hair.

"Terrible at what?"

Ash blue turned back to her. Darker than usual.

Grayer than it should be.

There was a saddened, yet near-apathetic look in her eyes.

She stepped closer, and closer.

Too close for her comfort.

But Fate did not move, even as hands reached for the drenched clothes, removing them.

"At this."

Her jacket slid off her shoulders, and Nanoha hung it on the chair. Water dripped, soaking into the carpet. Then she reached for the buttons of her damp, white shirt; nearly transparent as it clung to the skin.

This time, Fate grasped her hands by the wrist.

And Nanoha almost flinched from those cold, wet fingers.

"I'm fairly certain," she said in a calm, measured tone, "that taking off clothes is something even a five year old can do..._Nanoha_."

Brief - morbid? - humor flashed past dark blue.

"Of course." Her tone was dry. Yet at the same time, it was so sad. "Of course, Fate-chan." _But you had always been so terrible at taking care of yourself._

Her hands moved again, and unbuttoned the shirt.

Fate did not stop her, opting to stare at Nanoha, gaze piercing.

"...You should take a hot shower." The shorter girl whispered, when her hand brushed over cold skin. How long had Fate been standing _there_, drenched by rain?

Was there a tremble in her voice?

The last button was removed, and the grip on her wrists tightened.

Lightning flashed, and for the briefest moment, the bare front of Fate's body was exposed to her.

It was then that the unspoken question in red - dark red, like blood, _her_ blood - eyes was said.

"Why are you here, Nanoha?"

There were many things Nanoha could say to that.

Many things she could have said to the figure who had stood outside - _at the grave - _ in the cold, under the rain, but did not.

Things that she should have said but did not.

Still she said nothing.

Fate released her wrists after a moment of silence.

"...Why are you here, Nanoha?" The quiet question repeated in the darkness, but this time, unbidden emotion was in there.

Nanoha could recognize the emotion.

It never was something she could forget.

Only this time, those burgundy eyes revealed nothing. Before, they had been filled with grief. So much grief that threatened to overpower her...

And the words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Shouldn't I ask you that instead?"

Nanoha did not have to look at Fate to know she had stiffened slightly.

"...Indeed." The blonde paused, voice soft. Unreadable. "I shouldn't be here, should I?"

It was her turn to tense, and her gaze locked onto intense burgundy.

"I didn't - "

"Why did you bring me here, Nanoha?"

Because she couldn't bear to watch the sight of Fate soaked to the bone under the rain, burgundy eyes blank.

It was the second anniversary of Vivio's death.

Fate had not been there for the first.

Nor had she been around since that mission, choosing to travel to places where her job took her. And all those times, she had, not even once, contacted anyone in their close circle. Not even Nanoha.

But then again, it wasn't like she had attempted to contact the blonde either.

It had hurt too much.

She tore her gaze away.

Those burgundy eyes, as beautiful as they were cold, made her heart squeeze almost painfully.

Icy fingers brushed past her cheek, which was - damp?

...What?

"Nanoha." That voice was soft and rough. But the edge that was in there before had disappeared.

Her eyes moved to meet red.

The hostility in that gaze had vanished, replaced by something more intense, darker, and...sad.

"Why are you crying?"

She wasn't.

"You're crying."

No, she wasn't, damn it.

And she was suddenly pressed against the damp, soggy shirt, and a hand was threading itself through her locks in a familiar, soothing manner.

"...Don't cry," the blonde whispered, and all Nanoha could think of was the ghost-like familiarity of what that voice had once done.

Tears came even when she tried to stop it, and she shook her head.

"Don't cry," hoarse voice.

It only made her lungs constrict, and she fisted her fingers in the wet shirt to stop them from trembling.

She couldn't bring herself to say anything.

She didn't want to say anything, because each time she spoke, it always seemed to hurt Fate.

Ever since Vivio's death..

It was a mission. A mission that Fate had assigned to her daughter.

A mission that caused her death.

And that was when everything came crumbling down.

So she didn't say anything when Fate kissed her, too.

-o-

A/N: Well. Give or take, it's been a while. My mood for writing had been dampened for a while so...I don't have an explanation for myself, really. And I know putting more fics hanging on my belt is like calling more work but...meh. We will see how things go. I know I disappeared for a while, and probably will again, I'm afraid. Reviews are always most welcome, though. Works for good inspiration. 8D

Laters.


	2. I

Posted: 20/08/2008  
The song is available at LJ...but considering the fact that I'm using the same one from the prologue, it may be a moot notice.

-o-

_**Expiation**_  
_Part I  
__  
_

_"Rather than a life for finalty"  
- Narcissu, OST.  
_

-o-

She was gone the next day. Vanished, without so much a note.

For some brief moments, Nanoha wondered if it was just a dream. A figment of her imagination. Those touches, as familiar as they were foreign; the hand that would brush away strands of hair that covered her forehead, and...the warmth.

It would have been easier to think of it as a dream, if she hadn't woken up in a bed empty of a familiar warmth, and with sheets filled with the faint scent of rain and smoke.

And if the jacket, dried and hanging by the chair, wasn't there.

Yes.

It would have been easier.

-o-

"...It's been a while, Admiral Harlaown."

She paused in her steps, forcing herself to remain still and _not_ tense up.

Her gaze turned to meet a shade of blue different than the one she knew intimately, with hair darker than hazel.

She stared for a few long moments, before her hand raised to salute.

"Yes...General Yagami." A pause. "It's been a while."

There were unshed tears in those blue eyes.

"...Are you busy?" _I want to talk to you._

It was another long pause before Fate answered. _Contemplated running away_.

"...No. No, I'm not."

She owed her that much.

Even more.

"Walk with me, Fate-chan."

She wasn't given a chance to respond when a hand tugged at her elbow insistently.

-o-

"How have you been?"

"Busy."

Hayate gave her a wry look.

"And how is your social life, Fate-chan?"

The blonde could only shrug, reaching for her cup of coffee.

Hayate sighed.

"Everyone misses you here, you know."

"...Ah."

"Have you met Nanoha?"

Her hand froze in mid-air, cup mere millimeters from reaching her lips.

The silence that came after was long.

Too long.

Then red eyes moved to meet blue.

And she replied.

"...No."

The coffee tasted bitter on her lips.

-o-

Vita frowned.

Nanoha was leaning against the wall with her right shoulder, eyes distant as she stared out at the window next to her.

It all pointed to one thing.

She had heard.

_Vita,_ a male voice warned in her head.

The redhead forced a scowl down before it could form.

Zafira, in his massive wolf form, lounged on the couch. He had never (no, not really) parted from Nanoha ever since _that day_, and part of it was because of Hayate's request.

Another part was because of his own fondness for Vivio, the little child whom he had protected for years.

_Leave her be._

This time, a scowl did form.

_Why?_

There was a pause before he answered.

_Do you honestly think she would respond well to your questions?_

That wasn't what he wanted to say. Not really.

He wanted to speak of the scent of rain and smoke, but did not.

It was not time.

And idly, he wondered if it would ever be time.

So, instead, he watched Vita bristle slightly.

"Nanoha," she grunted, almost warily.

"Hmm?"

Surprise filled Vita for some reason. She hadn't thought that Nanoha would be aware of her surroundings at all.

"Vita-chan?"

Her gaze lifted to meet inquiring - _but still distant_ - blue.

The Wolkenrietter wanted to ask what the brunette was going to do. She wanted to, badly.

Instead, she said,

"It's time for those kids' training session."

"Ah. Right. Let's go, then."

Zafira walked by their side, watching.

Always watching.

He was the guardian beast, the protector, and thus it was his job to find and prevent danger. And failing that, his duty to overcome the danger.

But even he could not have foreseen this.

In exactly one hour, thirty-three minutes and twenty-four seconds, Nanoha was sent to the hospital.

He almost tore the cadet into pieces for his recklessness.

-o-

It was with thinning patience, frustration, exasperation and sadness that Hayate finally posed her last question.

"Why did you come back, Fate-chan?"

The brunette bit her lip. She hadn't meant to say it that way. She had wanted, _hoped_, that the blonde would have forgiven herself. Because she knew that would, aside from military obligations, make her come back.

That was the only thing.

"Fate-chan, I didn't - "

"It's fine."

"No, you don't underst - "

"It's fine, Hayate."

Fate smiled.

And she fell silent.

_"Will you ever come back?"_

_There was a pause before the blonde answered, burgundy eyes glancing up at the massive ship, Ather. _

_The one she would be commanding._

_"If I ever do, Hayate...it will be because I am called back by my superiors."_

_"...Nothing else?"_

_The silence was longer this time._

_"No."_

_Her gaze narrowed._

_"Liar."_

_A twinge of rueful amusement flashed past red._

_She had to resist the urge to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her._

_"Will you take care of her, Hayate?"_

_Instead, she shut her eyes and sighed, and felt something heavy settle on her shoulders._

_"...Of course I will. She's my friend."_

_"...Mm." _

_The whistle __sounded its signal __for departure._

_"I should go. Stay well, Hayate."_

_Hayate felt tears forming despite herself, and gathered the blonde into a fierce hug; one __that was reciprocated gently__._

_"You better come back," she whispered, "Or swear to god, I - I will goddamn well hunt you down." For them. For Nanoha._

_She heard the faint chuckle close to her left ear._

_"Cursing is unbecoming of you, Hayate."_

_The brunette almost snorted._

_And she watched the ship depart into the black, starless night._

"Superior's orders," Fate said, quietly, snapping her out of her reverie and confirming her suspicion

It was with those words that Havate, once more, felt an invisible, heavy burden drape itself over her shoulders.

Beep, beep, beep.

Beep, beep, beep.

The brunette glanced at Fate, who nodded, and waved a hand in the air.

A hologram built itself in front of her.

"_Hayate,_" the voice from the machine said - Vita, she recognized immediately, who sounded stressed, with voice cracking and full of anger, pain, regret - "_Nanoha...Nanoha's in the hospital._"

She felt dread settle in her stomach.

-o-

It was, in retrospect, not quite a light injury.

A minor concussion, a one-inch hole in her stomach, and cracked bones from her fall.

She had been comatose for a few hours.

It took much persuasion from Hayate before Vita could bring herself to go back for the night. And that was only after Shamal was brought in for a second inspection (she did not trust the other doctors) of Nanoha's well being.

Nanoha, the blonde had assessed, was on the road to recovery. The injury was not light, but it wasn't _that_ bad either. The only problem that could arise was the concussion, but even that remained to be seen. Give or take, she would very likely be awake once the sedatives ran their course.

It had been Zafira who broke Nanoha's fall from high in the air.

But even he was moments too late, diving across the grass, her form slamming onto his back.

He broke her fall, but not entirely.

Said wolf would not be persuaded to return to rest, and declined Shamal's insistent wishes to check on his dully aching back, curling by the couch.

It was with a soft swish, later that night, that the door slid open.

Light poured into the darkness of the room, and Zafira raised his head, instantly alert.

But when he saw who it was - _Fate_ - and she saw him, the blonde inclined her head lightly in greeting. For a long moment, he stared, gaze impassive.

Then he settled back down, eyes closing.

The door closed, and she stepped up to the woman resting on the bed.

A hand brushed away stray locks of brown hair.

_"You're terrible at this, aren't you?"_

She felt a smile, a sad, sad smile, flicker on her lips despite herself.

"...Should I say the same to you, Nanoha?"

Zafira gave no hint that he heard those softly spoken words despite his acute senses.

-o-

A/N:

I will admit I was pleasantly surprised to see another know of Narcissu game. Yes, I'm referring to you, Digikaren. It's a good game, no? :D

But..aye, I'm afraid I'll have to say that I don't have a plot for this story. I mean, I do, sort of, but I suspect most of you will be able to guess what kind of fic this is. The problem is how to go from point A to point D. What is B and C? That's the thing. It will just have to come as I...go along.

I hope it's a good chapter, though. And while I am on this, I'm going to advertise about RoE, a.k.a _Resplendence of Ebony_. It's been updated, if some of you have not realized yet.

Also, reviews are inspirational. _-hint-_

Till next time,  
Aki.


	3. II

Posted: 13/09/2008  
Considering that MGLN A's came out in 2005, I figured 2005 is the year the Aces are 9 years old. Go figure.

-o-

_**Expiation**_  
_Part II  
_

-o-_  
_

_July 16, 2026; 06:44 PM.  
Present day._

"I did not realize that you smoke...Testarossa."

She watched those shoulders stiffen.

The blonde glanced back to look at her briefly, and a smile quirked on her lips before she turned to look back at the red sky.

"It's been a while," Fate said evasively, ashes flicked from the cigarette held between two fingers, "How are you, Signum?"

The knight shrugged, and stepped up to the railings, which the younger woman leaned against.

"When did you start smoking?"

A golden eyebrow arched. "You are inquisitive today."

Those words made her pause. Was Fate ever that blunt..?

Her eyes flickered over to the blonde, whose gaze had turned back to the view overlooking Mid-Childa.

Signum shrugged then. "Perhaps I am."

The blonde's only response was to press the cigarette to her lips.

Signum said nothing.

She didn't have to.

"...It shouldn't be hard to guess when I started, should it?" Fate's tone was soft and unreadable.

No. No, it wasn't.

"So this," Signum gestured blandly, "is your means of escape?" _Just like how you ran away from her._

A pause.

And then the painfully frank answer came.

"Yes."

Signum was not surprised by the reply.

If Fate Testarossa Harlaown was anything, it was honest. She lied, a lot, but those were situations that demanded it. (And those situations, Signum remembered, included times when the girl did not want others to worry over her.)

But she never lied to herself.

No, not even if those things were her weakness, not even if those things would break her and tear her apart.

And this, Signum knew, was the very reason why she was like this. She would not trick herself into believing something that was not true, even to protect herself.

Especially to protect herself.

Honesty, Signum thought ruefully, was a double-edged sword.

"Signum.."

"Hm?"

"How many more days?"

The knight knew what she was talking about.

The anniversary.

"Five."

Silence.

"Will you be there?"

It was another long pause before Fate answered.

"I don't know."

"...It's been two years, Testarossa."

The blonde closed her eyes.

"Yes," she murmured. "Two years..."

_**Bzz- zzt**_.

_July 20, 2024; 11:39 PM._

"Medical team! Emergenc - no! Hang in there, Fate-san! _Fate-san!_"

Blood splattered to the brittle ground.

Teana struggled to keep her hold on the blonde.

"You have to stay awake!" The usually curt tone of Teana Lanster was frantic. "Stay awake, Fate-san! Fa - "

An explosion shook the ground.

And it was with a sinking feeling that Teana realized their enemy was fast approaching.

_**Bzz - zzt**_**.**

_May 14, 2024: 3:48 PM._

"This," Fate began softly, "may well be the last time we step foot on Mid-Childa. It is dangerous, it could incapacitate you, it could _kill you_."

A heavy silence descended.

Then, finally;

"You have one last chance to back out. Leave this room, and you will be taken off the roster for this mission."

No one moved.

_**Bzz - zzt**_**.**

_July 30, 2024; 04:25 PM._

"Give me the list."

Teana hesitated, the stack of papers held tightly in her hand.

"Perhaps you should see it later?" the orange-haired woman ventured. "It's not going to go anywhere, and you just woke up - "_ you were in a critical status for a whole goddamn week_, Teana wanted to shout, _you shouldn't strain yourself or you will __**break**_ " - you should rest - "

Fate shook her head, grimacing when even that slight movement burned her nerves.

"Show it to me. I need to know. Those were my men that..." Her voice was bitter. "...I killed."

Still Teana hesitated.

"_Agent Lanster_."

She stiffened at the sudden formality.

"Sir!"

The papers were passed over.

Two minutes later, they slipped out of her fingers and scattered on the floor.

_**Bzz - zzt**__._

_May 7, 2024. 9.33 AM._

"I -- Takamachi-san, are you sure?"

"I am. Sign me up."

"This mission is dangerous."

"It is also by voluntary basis," was the flat reply.

There was another pause before the hesitant words came.

"...Are your parents aware that you are going for this?"

Her eyes flashed. "I am a member of the Time-Space Administration Bureau. I am a _soldier_."

"Y - yes, but.."

"I am legally an adult, a double-A ranked Aerial mage, and directly under Special Division. Who my parents are, what they are, and how powerful they are does _not_ matter."

""But - "

"_Sign. Me. Up_."

"...Understood, ma'am."

The voice of the operator turned professional. "Vivio Takamachi, ID 445583123A. Qualification: Belka Wizard Rank, AA. Investigator; Special Division."

"Yes."

"Do you understand all implications of this mission, of its period, type, and danger level?"

"Yes."

"Do you understand that you will be in situations that will involve life and death - including yours?"

"Yes."

"Do you understand that you cannot drop the mission once your magical signature is registered here?" The operator waved a hand, and a hologram hovered in the air.

A pause.

"Yes."

"Then please register."

Vivio lifted a hand, and a magic triangle formed on her palm.

She pressed it onto the hologram.

_Signature registered._

_Vivio Takamachi, Belka Wizard Rank: AA.  
ID: 445583123A  
Special Division._

_Assigned to mission BT251-444, headed by Admiral Fate Testarossa Harlaown. First briefing will commence on May 14, 2018, 1530 hours in Hall 2A, second floor._

_**Bzz - zzt**_**.**

_July 31, 2024; 3:35 PM. _

"I want status reports on each squad," she said, voice hard. "I want to know the condition and current capabilities of each soldier, and I want it in five hours."

"F- Fate-san," Shario fumbled. She wasn't - she had not expected the cold fury in those formerly kind burgundy eyes.

"Update me on the status of the ship as well, and how long it will take for repairs."

She had not expected the admiral to plan an offensive against the terrorists, either.

It was not wise.

Not in their current condition.

Not while her commander was emotionally unstable, as well.

"Perhaps it may be better if we retreat - "

"_Sergeant Finieno_."

The soft voice was hard and commanding.

"Y - yes, sir?"

"Do as I say."

And she did, because this was not the kind and sympathetic Fate Testarossa that Shario had come to know.

This was not the same commander who had always spared a second thought, even for their targets. _Especially_ for their targets.

No.

In front of her right now was a cold, calculating commander.

A commander who would _not_ show mercy.

And, despite Shari's reluctance to admit it, that was what Athers needed right now.

The former Fate Testarossa did not have the cruelty to deal the killing blow to their enemies.

_But this one does_.

_**Bzz- zzt**_.

_May 14, 2024: 3:35 PM._

Her gaze swept over the room filled with soldiers. And as she did so, she tried to memorize their faces, their looks.

There were so many of them...

She never wanted to forget any of them.

But even her sharp eyes could not notice a girl by the corner, blocked by taller soldiers.

"Good afternoon. I am Admiral Fate Testarossa Harlaown. I will now brief you on this mission.."

_**Bzz- zzt**_.

_August 17, 2024; 1:37 PM._

" - not your fault. It's not _your fault!_"

She shook her head.

"Enough," she whispered.

"Fate - "

"_Please_."

Hayate's temper rose.

Furious blue glared into dull red.

"I never thought you were such a coward, Fate Testarossa."

_**Bzz - zzt**_**.**

_August 7, 2024; 02:25 AM._

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

The door opened.

"Nanoha-chan.."

She didn't move.

A warm hand pressed itself on her shoulder.

"You should go back and rest," Hayate said softly.

She shook her head. Her tightly clasped hands were pressed to her lips, as if to stop herself from frowning - _ crying, screaming, lashing out, destroying - _and her elbows rested on the soft surface of the bed.

Slate blue eyes swept over the figure on the bed. The screen by the bed continued to make repetitive beeps, and it was the only assurance that the sleeping woman was alright.

"Not until she wakes up."

The grip on her shoulder tightened.

"She's not going to wake up today -" _I know, _" - you've seen the reports, haven't you?"

_don't tell me don't tell me don'ttellme_

"Even when injured, even when she almost - " _could? Should?_ " - died, she continued with the mission, and it was - " _a failure, failure, failure_ - " a success - " _it wasn't in HER eyes_ - "Fate-chan turned what could have been a hundred of deaths into something all of us consider minimal casualties - "

"_Enough_."

Hayate stopped, but the unsaid words floated in her mind. It was a memory far too fresh - _too raw_ – and it was ingrained in her mind.

_...despite serious injuries, Admiral Testarossa admirably led her team to a success. But towards the end, many had witnessed her coughing up blood and collapsing - _

"I..." Nanoha's closed fists pressed against her face, as if trying to hide the pain - _ the sorrow, the anger_ - that was etched onto her face like hot steel branding her skin, "I don't want to hear it. No more. No more. _Please_."

It was a long moment before Hayate did speak again.

"Just remember, Nanoha.." whispered the general, her voice sad, "she's still alive. She's here, breathing. She's _here_."

She knows, damn it. She knows.

But Vivio wasn't here, was she?

_Beep_.

_**Bzz - zzt.**_

_August 20, 2024. 08:45 PM._

"She _wanted_ to prove to you that she can do it! That she can take care of herself! _That she is capable!_"

It wasn't their first argument, but it was their last.

"I've known she's capable all the while. What I don't understand is why did she - " She cut herself off, and her voice was both hoarse and cracked. "Why - that girl, she - _why_?"

Blue eyes shut tightly.

"It's too late." Nanoha's whisper was as broken as it was cold. "It's too late. She's _gone_."

_July 21, 2024._

_Vivio Takamachi died in the line __of duty._

_**Bzz - zzt**_**.**

_July 21, 2024; 00:04 AM._

She was terrified.

Afraid.

Fearful.

But she stood her ground.

Because she would never let them touch her mother.

_**Bzz - zzt**_**.**

_**Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz - zt.**_

-o-

A/N:

Final update for Expiation as of today. I debated on posting this for a while now, and decided I will.  
Please read end notes of _Stigma_ for an announcement.


End file.
